I’m sorry

Trust can take so long to build, and yet it goes so fast. How can life go on like this? When will the things we build finally be strong enough to last longer than the time it takes to build?

Of course, that’s a stupid question. The Pyramids have lasted thousands of years; and love built in a few short years can last decades. What’s the real question, then? Is it How can we stop messing up? Or maybe it’s How can I defeat my temptations? Perhaps it’s simply How can I forgive myself? They are all questions with answers; they may not be answers we like, but we have them. I think we’ll always mess up; and I think we’ll always have temptations, and even give in to them. But we can forgive ourselves; however, we have to be willing to change in order to forgive ourselves, no? Whatever lead to our actions… if we don’t change, it could happen again. I don’t want to be a person that sees something wrong in myself and then I don’t bother to change it.

This seems like a big ramble, and it is. It’s because this weekend I’ve been struggling with things. I overdramatize my life, I think, but at the same time, I can’t ignore things. I want to keep the trust I’ve earned; I want to earn my way back into the life I want so badly. I don’t think I’ll be sharing specifics, but I made a mistake. And it’s hard to figure out how to make it better. I could just leave it be and make sure it doesn’t happen again, but that isn’t my way.

I have the will to make things better when I mess up.

A little something about me: When I’m afraid, truly afraid, I don’t react well. I shake, sometimes – my heart beats hard and fast – and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s surprisingly new in my life; I don’t want to fear things in my life. More than that, I don’t want to fear living.

Dear Woman

A video where some men get together in an attempt to apologize for their treatment of women. It may be made more dramatic than it should be, but if they are sincere, then I give them props.

Something about me: I think women have it harder than men. Rape is worse for them, pregnancy is painful and life-changing, all this prejudice, even being weaker, the annoyances of your chest, the drama and pain of keeping up your appearance for others (though this one, I like it better when women have this as one of the lower priorities), having to manage three different hormones… You guys have my sympathy.

A Message from Long, Long Ago

I’ve decided to share with you guys some more things, more than just stories or poems. Here’s a private message I sent to a girl I had fallen for a couple years ago, on a forum – we had a long-distance relationship that ultimately failed. It’s going to be a bit out of context for you guys, but I tried to choose one that would be enough of a standalone for you to understand it.

I’m sorry, for the little ‘tantrum’ I had early in my other reply. It was all probably a social miscommunication, and it’s entirely my fault. I don’t want you to be upset or hurt or anything, but if you are/were, please don’t tell me “It’s okay” or “It’s fine”. You’re a wondrous person and I love talking to you and we mesh together and my heart goes out for you and I think you’re pretty and lovely and sweet and determined to do things once you set your mind on them. I could edit out what I posted in my other reply, and just replace it with me calmly asking something about what happened accidentally to cause you to lose some of your message. But I won’t, because that would essentially be lying. And I won’t lie to you. I won’t. I want to keep the balance, the great thing we’ve had, and not let it go at all just because I’m a stupidhead. Again, I’m sorry. I just… 

I just feel the tiniest bit better, knowing I could apologize when it’s needed. It hasn’t been needed form me in so long, and you’re special to me, so of course you’d be the one to get my heartfelt apology…. You know what? I’m being conceited. An apology isn’t where you make yourself feel better, but offer your head on a pike to the other person. And so I give you my head. *passes pike forward*

Sincerely,
Adam.

And that’s it. I’m not trying to tell you something really important with this post, just to give you a look into who I was back then. And maybe I’m similar now. 🙂

Something about me: My name is Adam, and I used to be a lot more dramatic than I am now. Take care, dear readers! Thank you for giving me some of your time.