Mad

I’m mad at myself and mad in general. I advocate being a good person but sometimes I mistreat the people I care about. I’m so, so sorry to those I’ve mistreated. And I hate it when the same bad things happen again for the same reasons; lack of communication, lack of integrity.

Just because I’m upset doesn’t justify treating others badly. I need to be a good person and slipping up on that isn’t right. “Oh, but no one’s perfect.” I don’t need to be to stop treating people badly. I’m in charge of my behavior and it’s my fault, I need to own up to it.

As a side note, single as a pringle! I gotta stop having drama in my life sometime, seriously…

Passion

Many of us remember our teens, or are currently experiencing them. I remember having feelings that were so strong, so passionate that sometimes I couldn’t take it. I loved more, hated more, feared more, and was so unsure of how I could deal with the world around me.

But some of us forget. Some of us question why teens have to be so dramatic, and say their feelings are blown out of proportion. To that, I say – never treat someone else’s feelings as less than what they are. That is a quick way to lose their trust, make them question if they’re important, and hurt them. This doesn’t just apply to teens; you should never invalidate anyone’s feelings.

Passion, drama, love, unfairness, confusion, fear – it’s a huge mixed bag of emotions as people grow up. But a part of me thinks: What if we aren’t losing passion by growing up? What if we let ourselves lose it? What if it’s just so painful people let go? Perhaps that is why first loves feel so special; it’s when we’ve had almost no time to have our passion lessened.

I will try my best to keep passion in my life. I hope you do the same. Don’t just remember what you did as teens – embrace the memories and the feelings.

We’re given roles in life, and we give ourselves roles.

I.. I don’t want to fail.

But I do. I have. I will again. And I’m hating myself for it, Because every time, I get more afraid to get into that stuff.

I hear or see stories of premature babies rotting under their siblings’ beds, dead, and I think to myself, how can I ever change that?  I get not only afraid that I’ll fail, but something inside me will break in the process. I want to stick to what I believe I won’t mess up majorly in, something that won’t take a heart of gold and steel and purity to endure – because… I’m not special. I can work pretty hard, and I can change, but… no, that’s not right.. I just don’t know. Insecurities have been a part of my life for a long time. How can I be an advocate of change and duty and good if I’m not doing those things myself? Hypocrisy is one of the biggest limits to change and love and passion, I feel.

There are so many inspirational true stories out there. I might not be one of them. I want to stick to what I feel like I can do, and that might still be radical, or innovative, or community-changing… But I don’t know how many more failures I’ll endure before I stop trying to do hard things, stop believing, and just live simply, harmoniously. 

A little tidbit about me: I believe I have Aspergers Syndrome (though that diagnosis is out of date, I think; they’ve changed it to high-functioning autism or something along those lines).